Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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