Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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