I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
