dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
