singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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