Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
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