if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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