So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He passed out mid-signature
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
