So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
