i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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