this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
