no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
