So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Non-Jews are for practice
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
