No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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