Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
