never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
