Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
