dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
