im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Randomize
