wanna go halves on a baby?
you didnt know i had herpes?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
