dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i think i have herpe
just one?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
