In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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