Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
