I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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