how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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