I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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