I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
