I met the friendliest cop last night
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You took a bar mat shot.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Can I color on your dick again?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize