Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
