Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
