her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize