Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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