Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
