i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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