Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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