I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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