Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
