i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
