Small penises have feelings too.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize