I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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