epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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