I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I am midnight drunk by noon
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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