Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Green mimosas i think yes
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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