Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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