3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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