apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
