my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
