Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
