this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
