I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
