I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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