On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Four minutes until I can fart!
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
