Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
be right there i have to get my cape
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
