I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
