i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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