My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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