Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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