Where are you?
In a non slutty way
If that was your dad, he is hot
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
