From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
