I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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