____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
