theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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