He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
