i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
